Soccer, and in particular the English Premier League, is a sport that I really enjoy to watch. It has a skill level, a professionalism and an atmosphere which is the envy of most codes around the world. I’ve got my favourite players (Vidic number 1 of course), and my hated players (mostly those who fake injuries), but there’s one player I can’t figure out whether I love him or hate him. His name is Mario Balotelli.
Mario Balotelli is a gifted Italian soccer player currently playing for top placed Manchester City. He is incredibly talented and is a goal scoring machine. My older brother Jake first made me aware of his incredible list of off-field indiscretions. This list is constantly evolving as every few weeks a new indiscretion of his is added to the list. I’m not sure what the collective noun is for a group of off-field discretions (perhaps a ‘headache’ of discretions) but Balotelli has a list as big as anyone.
Some of my favourite indiscretions of his would;
1) Balotelli was frequently seen at the AC Milan merchandise store while playing for Inter Milan (their major rivals). Can you imagine how absurd it would be for Adam Goodes to constantly hang around the GWS merchandise shop in his time off just browsing around?
2) Balotelli had to go off at half time in a game in Ukraine due to an allergy to the pitch. Can you imagine Jude Bolton, the man that puts dried cement in his sandwiches, telling “Horse” Longmire he has to go off because “the SCG grass makes me sneeze”?
3) Balotelli drove his car into a women's prison so he could have a look around. Can you imagine Shane Mumford breaking into a women’s prison so he can have a look around? With Shane I never say never… this one’s a maybe.
4) Balotelli took an iPad down to the bench with him to play while he sat on the pine. Can you imagine Jarrad McVeigh playing a bit of ‘Words with Friends’ in the second quarter of a game as he comes off for a rotation?
5) Balotelli threw water-balloons in a team meeting. Can you imagine Ryan O’Keefe throwing water balloons in a pre-game meeting to fire the boys up for the game?
6) Balotelli went on Italian TV wearing an AC Milan shirt (while he was playing for Inter Milan). This is bad enough, but on top of it he’d had his name printed onto the back of the shirt too. Can you imagine Sam Reid doing an interview on the Footy Show wearing a Carlton jumper with his name on the back of it… for no reason in particular?
His list reads like a run down of episodes of Eastbound and Down with Kenny Powers, except unlike Kenny Powers (a washed up baseballer in the MLB), Balotelli is a world class goal-scorer playing for the current top team in the English Premier league. (sidenote: If you haven’t seen any of Eastbound and Down then stop watching stuff like Merlin and get onto it.)
I can’t figure out if I love Balotelli or I hate him. I laugh at how stupid and ridiculous his behavior is and I like the fact that he has a personality, but he oversteps the mark and I think about how frustrating it must be to play alongside someone who acts like that day after day in a team environment.
Keep an eye out for Balotelli’s next indiscretion… it’s been a week or two since his last so he’s due for one soon.
Canteen Award: Goes to Nathan “Nippa” Gordon. Nippa lined up in the forward line against the Roos in the second half of NAB Cup round 2. The quarter got under way and the ball came his way. Now, it must have been around this time when he forgot which way he was going as he had in fact lined up in position correctly in the forward line at the start of the quarter. Nippa pulls down a great mark… and, hang on second… plays on and starts running the wrong way. North didn’t know if they should tackle him or let him keep going! Nippa… well done, you get the pie and Coke this week!
Song of the Week: Get excited, Radiohead are going to tour Australia this year. Song of the week this week is a song of theirs called High and Dry. It’s quite a few years old now but I think it’s one of their best.
Ted Richards
@richards_report
