Buddy's finished, one game into his brand new, nine-year, $10 million contract. And as for his new club, well it's no good, either. Fancy being beaten by a mob that won only one game - against Melbourne - last year! Goodbye, Swannies.
GWS will make the finals. No doubt about that. And Gold Coast will make the top four. Lock that one in too.
Richmond is no good, and its full-forward will be forever damaged by a self-imposed media ban.
Malthouse has lost it. Jared Polec is the best recruit in the history of the game.
Hardwick's lost his players because he named names in his press conference.
It's probably about now that all of us, every single one of us, needs to take a really deep breath. One of those sucks of air where you inhale slowly, hold it in till you're about to pass out, then let it all out.
Make yourself a peppermint tea. Light a cinnamon candle. Run a bath. Relax.
Remind yourself that we are four games - four games - into a 198-match home-and-away season, which is followed by nine finals.
For some reason all of us who follow this game - this columnist definitely included - seems desperate to make sweeping statements based on Exhibit A only.
And before you dispute that, remember that as we pondered the quality of the four matches of the opening weekend of AFL season 2014, we had already determined it was a rubbish way to open the season.
Having now witnessed it and soaked it up in post-weekend analysis, it needs to be acknowledged that it was one of the great AFL openings. And we need to embrace the results but not use the outcomes to make definitive predictions on the next 28 weeks.
Here are the facts.
Boring as they may be. Collingwood will be OK. What OK means we will not know for certain for some time. But it will be OK in some form. Wait till Ben Reid returns; then things will be better for Cloke.
Fremantle will do what it did last Friday to a lot of clubs, and the Dockers may well win the premiership. But let's see if they can prove they can kick sufficient numbers of goals in the high-pressure, high stakes, games.
Buddy Franklin's best football may well be behind him, but even if it is, he is still going to do things in 2014 that not one other player in the competition is capable of. Regularly.
His new club will not perform that badly again. Lock that one in.
GWS looks to have a nice draw in the next three weeks, but it would be a miracle to go from one win in 2013 to, say, seven or even six or five wins the following year.
Gold Coast looks to have improved significantly, but making finals would actually be monumental.
Richmond performed below expectations against the Suns, but as of right now, don't ever again underestimate how difficult it will be to win against Gold Coast on its home turf at night.
And Jack Riewoldt is A-grade elite, though he does need to properly devise, and adhere to, a plan with which to deal with media. And Jack, it is not that difficult mate, and you know that you know that.
And take it from someone on the other side of the fence - you're way too good a media talent to not embrace it, given the inane, robot-like, media offerings of 95 per cent of your playing peers.
Malthouse remains a coaching great. Don't ever, ever forget that. He's got a half-dud list right now, but he already has improved it, and will continue to do so.
And Polec may well prove to be a gun for the Power this year. But surely we need more evidence than simply what we saw on Sunday night, given he was disinterested at his previous club.
Want more reason that we all need to take a breath?
Go back to round one, 1991. Adelaide, in its inaugural match, defeated Hawthorn by 86 points. Adelaide missed the finals that year, and the Hawks won the flag.
Recall 1975. After four rounds, North Melbourne was 0-4, and after nine rounds, it was 3-6. It won that year's flag.
Essendon in 1993 had just one win, and a draw, from its first five games before winning the premiership.
The Brisbane Lions were 4-5 in 2001, Geelong 2-3 in 2007. Adelaide was 1-3 in 1997 and 3-5 in 1998.
We are 2.02 per cent into the 2014 home-and-away season. Let's revisit this in late August. Look forward to it.
